


I'm Looking Forward

by Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer



Series: Here We Are In The Future... [4]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Recovery, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Past Suicide Attempt, Post-Change My Mind, Recovery, Sad and Happy, Sad with a Happy Ending, Steven Universe Future, Steven Universe Gets Therapy, Steven Universe Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Steven Universe's Brother, Walking Canes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:15:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28147440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer/pseuds/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer
Summary: "You know, this is a pretty nice place…" Sadie pauses, teetering for a moment where she stands, before finally venturing closer. He lets out a quiet hum in response, glancing around, then roots his gaze back to her. He knows she's not finished. "But… why are you… here? I mean…"| Post-CMM (Change My Mind.)
Relationships: Aster Universe & Jasper, Jasper & Sadie Miller, Jasper & Steven Universe, Sadie Miller & Aster Universe, Sadie Miller & Steven Universe, Steven Universe & Aster Universe
Series: Here We Are In The Future... [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2057664
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	I'm Looking Forward

Steven is surprised, but not at all disappointed, when he answers the door one day and sees Sadie. For a moment, he does freeze; his eyes go completely wide, shock and confusion freezing him in place for a good few seconds as Sadie beams at him and steps forward, arms open with the invitation of an embrace. It takes him more than a few seconds to be able to move, but he's quick to react when he does, momentarily leaning his cane against the wall beside the door to hug her. It's a good pain day today, and the little bit of pressure he has to apply to his leg as he steps forward to wrap his arms around Sadie is very much so worth it. He holds on for a moment, giddy with excitement, then pulls back and flashes her a curious smile.

"What are you doing here?" He pulls away and pauses, surprised by the split second of panic that ignites in his chest when he forgets where he put his cane, but he finds it quickly enough, still propped up where he left it. He takes it carefully and steps back to let her in. "I thought-"

"Shep and I just got back." Sadie pauses to look over her shoulder and Steven briefly lets his gaze flick past her, but she enters alone and shuts the door behind her; Shep isn't with her.

Steven has a few mixed feelings on that front, he'll admit.

Sadie turns back to him and grins, but her eyes stray toward the cane after a few seconds, and he's unsurprised by the concern that sparks up in her gaze. He prepares himself for the inevitable questioning and she doesn't disappoint; he knows that she and Greg have talked on the phone a few times, and Greg admitted that he hadn't told her anything regarding the car crash, and the hospital, and the facility yet, because he wasn't sure how much he wanted anyone else to know yet. Steven appreciated that. "Why are you using that? Are you okay?"

"I broke my leg a while ago." Steven glances down, just for a second, and adjusts his grip on the cane so he can lean his weight against it for a second. Sadie looks a mixture of worried, horrified and sympathetic, but the hybrid simply shrugs as he continues, "it's healing pretty slowly. I can't really walk right so Dr. Maheswaran said I should use it for a little while. Until it heals completely, at least," he adds, but stops, wincing, when something falls from the kitchen. Followed rather quickly by a string of curse words, and Steven offers a startled-looking Sadie a reassuring, apologetic smile before he turns away and heads down the hall to investigate. He's unsurprised to see Jasper at the center of the mess - a broken plate - but he's a little startled to see Aster standing just a few feet away from the orange gem with a plastic spoon over his head.

He's startled enough, in fact, that he utters an incredulous "what the hell?" just before Aster suddenly swings the spoon down against the counter, and follows it up with a triumphant huff.

"Spider," his brother explains, glaring at the spoon. "I got it."

Steven raises his eyebrows and stifles a sigh, turning his head as a concerned-looking Sadie pokes her head into the room, and it doesn't take long before her jaw to fall slack in surprise. Aster freezes immediately at the sight of her, looking genuinely caught off guard. Jasper is more or less busy picking up the broken glass on the floor, not seeming bothered by the human at all.

"What…?" Sadie's gaze darts to Steven, wide-eyed, and he offers another apologetic smile.

"Ah, right, meet my twin brother Aster." He slips past her to enter the room and frowns at the mess as he grabs the broom from beside the door, which Aster is quick to take from him before he can set to cleaning the mess up himself. He relents, letting his brother shoo him and Jasper away so that he can sweep up the rest of the glass, but he does drag the trash can over a little so that they can dump the shards in. Admittedly, he can't help but stare for a second when Jasper does so, watching the broken pieces fall from her orange hands and into the bin. It takes him a moment to force his thoughts away (from thunderclouds, lightning, rain, Jasper's shards digging into the palm of his hand as he runs and runs and runs and _runs he can't stop running-_ ) and turn back to Aster and Sadie. "And… Jasper. Um." He stops again for a second, white-knuckling his cane, and forces himself to ease up on the pressure a little. Well, his mood has dipped considerably. "Aster and Jasper, who don't listen very well. We don't kill spiders," he reminds his pink twin with a pointed look, and Aster makes a face. "We set them free outside."

"And they come back," Aster mutters. Then he turns to Sadie, offers her his hand first, and Steven's mood lightens just a little bit. At least his brother's started putting himself out there.

"Uh, hi." Sadie beams, albeit awkwardly, as she shakes his hand. "I'm Sadie."

"I know," Aster replies bluntly, retracting his hand again and turning away again to continue sweeping. Steven picks up the spoon, having been abandoned on the counter, but he's quick to discard it in the trash once he sees the spider guts splattered on it. _Poor thing._ "It's a pleasure."

Steven sighs, watching them dump the last of the broken glass away, and grumps, "we're gonna need a new set of dishes at this point. You know what, I don't even care if you kill the spiders." He holds his hands up and shoots a pointed glare at both of them, but redirects his gaze when Aster - who seems to know where he's going with this - points at Jasper. "Just not with _plates."_

Jasper simply grunts in response. "Fuck off."

"Fuck on," Steven snaps back instinctively, and Sadie startles a little. He catches her gaze and blinks, a rush of heat flushing across his face that has nothing to do with pinkness. "Ah, sorry."

"No-" Sadie huffs out a laugh, bewildered but amused. "Don't be, just caught me off guard."

"I've got a habit of doing that lately," Steven muses, regarding Jasper and Aster for a few moments, but ultimately decides it's safe now to let them go back to what they were doing. At least until Greg gets back to stop them. Ah, speaking of which… "Oh, Dad isn't here, by the way. He went to run the van through the car wash. Which is the only reason these two are unsupervised in the kitchen, because the stars know I can't keep up with either of them." He laughs and so does Sadie, confusion fizzling back out to amusement, while Jasper rolls her eyes at Steven and Aster even manages a brief smirk. "Hey! Do you wanna stay for lunch?"

Sadie looks contemplative for a few seconds, thoughtful, then chuckles. "Sure, why not?"

"Then get out so we can cook," Jasper grumbles, and Steven shakes his head slightly, amused. Maybe it was a mistake, letting her anywhere near the kitchen, but according to her, she'd been taking classes at Little Homeschool and Steven was curious enough to see what she could do. Aster was mostly there to supervise and make sure she didn't make a mess or set the kitchen on fire, although Steven wasn't sure how comforting that was now. When it came to those two, he was either _expecting_ some kind of fire and destruction or something somehow worse than that. Aster was calm for the most part, laid back, easygoing. But with Jasper? He was… _chaotic._

Still, he holds his hand up defensively and steps back toward Sadie, offering a mocking glare in Jasper's direction and a smirk toward his brother. "Alright, fine. Just don't burn the house down."

"No promises," Aster calls as he slips out of the room, followed quickly by Sadie, giggling.

She falls into step with him, heading down the hall. Steven's not too sure where they're going yet, but he perks up after a moment - his room. He can show her Hope. "Well, they seem fun."

"Oh, they're quite the duo," Steven agrees, glancing back. "But seriously, let me know if you smell smoke because they really might burn the house down." He has to stifle a chuckle, but he lets it escape once he realizes it. Letting himself laugh isn't a bad thing. He likes to laugh, he likes to be happy. Still, he'd been just caught off guard enough, and his mood had dropped just enough, to leave an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach - and despite all the work he's been doing, everything he's been working with Maria and his father about, the desire to push it down and lock it away like he's used to is too strong in that moment. After all, Sadie just got here, right? And he doesn't want to be a burden to her, doesn't want to chase her away or make the situation sad or awkward or weird by bringing up anything. He doesn't _want_ to…

"Steven? Are you okay?"

… but he knows that he should.

He battles with himself for a moment, pushing his door open with his cane. The word 'yes' is just on the tip of his tongue and he's never wanted to say it more than he does in that moment. But he doesn't - stars help him, he doesn't. Instead, he mumbles a more-or-less honest, "I don't know," as he gestures for her to enter, and she does, before he steps in behind her. He leaves the door open, and rather than saying anything else, or explaining, he defaults to 'deflection'. Another thing he and Maria are working on, but just easy enough in that moment that he doesn't think anything of it at all. "But, check it out." He makes his way over to his dresser, Hope's bowl sitting on top, and raises the cane slightly to gesture to it. Sadie gasps, distracted; _success._

This is okay, he thinks. He doesn't have to talk about it if he doesn't want to talk about it; he doesn't have to talk about it with _her._ It's okay. So he's not sure why he feels so guilty about it.

"Oh, it's beautiful," Sadie exclaims, moving closer, and Steven grins. He slips away to let her investigate, limping over to the bunk bed and taking a seat instead. His hand trails briefly down to his leg, propping his cane up beside him and wincing slightly as he rubs his fingers over where his leg is most sensitive. Well, it had been a good pain day up until just a minute ago. He manages to bite back his grimace by the time Sadie turns back to him. "Is that a Betta fish?"

Steven inclines his head, forces a smile. It's harder than he remembers. "Her name's Hope." He watches for a moment, managing a somewhat more genuine smile as Hope swims around in a circle and then stops, suddenly, seeming to fix her gaze on him briefly before suddenly swimming downwards and ducking into her little cave. He chuckles, rubbing his leg once more before pulling back, and Sadie huffs out a quiet laugh as she finally turns to him completely. "She's not shy. Probably just tired," he feels the need to clarify, amused, letting his hand rest over his thigh for a moment. The contact is grounding, but does very little to relieve the pain. He wonders if he still has some of his old meds around… he's sure Greg still has a bottle of them. Ibuprofen is a good alternative (and one that makes him much less drowsy) but it's not _instant_.

"You know, this is a pretty nice place…" Sadie pauses, teetering for a moment where she stands, before finally venturing closer. He lets out a quiet hum in response, glancing around, then roots his gaze back to her. He knows she's not finished. "But… why are you… here? I mean…" She trails off again and he winces, ducking his head and biting his tongue. Whatever she was about to say - and he knows what she was about to say - seems to slip away from her almost at once. She sounds more concerned than confused as she speaks again. "Steven?"

He says nothing for a moment, taking in a breath to steady himself and waiting until he knows he can handle the conversation before he speaks. "I'm not staying with the gems anymore. We…" He stops, sighing, remembering everything that had happened. The fight - the one-sided fight, mind you. When he'd gotten so close, so angry, right on the edge of complete, pure destruction, and had been completely ready and willing to shatter them on the spot. The memory still makes him angry now, but mostly only toward himself. As upset as he was with them - and still is, even - he knows… he knows they never meant to hurt him, in any way. He's still so angry, though. Angry that he misses them. Angry that they let him go through all of this. Angry that they thrust him in the middle of all this drama, all this pain, and suffering, and fear, and angry that they had screwed him over so, so thoroughly from the day he moved in with them. And… he hates himself for it, but he's angry that, even now, they don't seem to care. That they're not reaching out, trying to make amends - and sometimes he can't tell whether he wants them to or not. Sometimes it feels a little hypocritical of him, to want them and _hate_ them, too.

The hybrid tilts his head back, resigned, and offers Sadie a tired smile. "We're not talking."

"What?" Sadie looks startled, _rightfully so,_ Steven understands, as she takes a seat in one of the beanbags he and Aster picked out and stares up at him, and the hybrid shrugs. "Why?"

"It's been a rough month," Steven murmurs. "A… a lot of things happened."

He leans forward a little, draws his hands together in his lap and ducks his head to press his knuckles against his mouth. He hates having to think about them, something he's been doing more and more lately. He loves Sadie, and he's so happy to see her again, but he wishes this was at least a little easier to do. She'd known him for so long; longer than Connie, longer than the Cool Kids. Since he was just a little kid, ever since the first time Greg took him to the Big Donut. She'd seen him upset, angry, sad. There's something about the situation now that makes him feel like a stranger, though, a stranger to himself and a stranger to her. It's like he knows her, but she doesn't know him. He wonders if she feels the same, if she can feel the shift.

Steven brings his hands up to his face, rubs them up to his hair and smooths the curls back, and ducks his head as he laces his fingers together over the back of his neck. "I, um," he finally begins, taking another breath to steady himself and letting it out in a slow, uncertain sigh. "The last time I spoke to them was, ah… a few weeks ago. I haven't been to the house since…" He clears his throat and swallows, sighing again, and lets his hands drop as he raises his head.

Sadie just gazes at him, just stares, just listens.

(And he remembers for a second, he hears music, he hears her.

 _It's hard to live your life in stride  
_ _When you feel the way I always used to feel inside  
_ _Now it's so easy that it's strange  
_ _I'm a person, and the person that I am can change…_ )

He softens, hesitates, brings his hands together and ducks his head to press his mouth to his knuckles again. Then, quietly, he murmurs, "the last time we spoke was just before I went to see Dr. Maheswaran about…" He stops, breathes, out, and pushes on, "about my suicide attempt."

He doesn't look, but he _hears;_ Sadie's breath hitches on an inhale, stunned, and she sputters for a moment as she tries to speak. He stays silent, keeping his hands together. "You- _what?"_

Steven squirms for a moment, uncomfortable. He drops his hands again, this time digging them into the bed beside him, and leans back a little. His gaze lifts, but not to her; he can't force himself to look at her, doesn't want to get a glimpse of the expression on her face. He looks toward Hope's bowl instead, his fish still huddled away in her cave, and the pressure in his chest loosens just a bit. Not a lot, but enough for him to ease in another slow, steady breath. "My leg…" His gaze sweeps toward his cane, then back up to his dresser. "When I broke it. It…" He bites his lip, bites back a nervous laugh. "I, uh. I crashed the Dondai… on purpose, and…"

 _(So I'm looking forward  
_ _I'm looking forward  
_ _I'm looking forward now)_

"Oh my god." Sadie's voice wavers, trembles, breath hitching again. " _Steven…"_

Steven nods, slow and subtle. He ducks his head, chin to his chest, and exhales through his teeth. It's a little easier now, a little less pressure, but still a lot of shame. It burns through him, eating away, gnawing through his bones and his veins and crawling across his skin. Mind filled with horrible, twisted thoughts about how he could have succeeded, how he could be dead, how it could all have been over and he wouldn't be here right now. He wouldn't have any of this. He wouldn't have Aster, he wouldn't have his father, he wouldn't be moving forward, he wouldn't be okay. He'd have died like that, angry and frantic, fueled by nothing but pain. The pang in his chest he feels in response to these thoughts is almost comforting, the recognition that he doesn't want it - that he never wanted it, he _never wanted it_ \- but he can't stop thinking about it.

How selfish it was, how _awful_ it was. How awful he felt, how awful he _feels_. How that had felt like his only option, his only way out, and it was just a _mess_ , a rush of _desperation_ , _franticity._

"Why?" Sadie breathes, sitting up, and the movement draws his gaze to her instinctively. There's nothing but horror in her gaze, horror and pain, pain for _him._ He steadies himself again, ignores the pain swelling up in his own chest for a moment, and then… lets himself embrace it. It crashes over him like waves, flushing straight through him, sending a shiver down his spine. Curls in his stomach, squeezes his throat, makes his eyes sting as he blinks. "Steven… _why?"_

"A lot of reasons," he admits, voice hoarse. He clenches his teeth and swallows, closing his eyes for a moment. His fingers curl, clenching a fistful of the sheets. "I just… I was tired." The words waver for a moment, and _he_ wavers, and when he blinks his eyes open again, they're warm and wet, not stinging anymore, and the tears haven't escaped, but they're there. He blinks a few times, just to clear his vision, but he makes no attempt to force them back. He lets the pain come, lets the tears come. It's all he can do. "And… angry and scared, and desperate, and…" His chest shudders as he exhales, but he chuckles through the tears, a sound that carries no mirth, no joy, but no bitterness. It's just an empty, sad sound. "And I hated myself, and I hated _everything_ , and I just didn't know what to do. And it just… it just happened. I didn't…"

Finally, he moves to wipe the tears, feeling them against his hand as he rubs them from his cheeks and his eyes. He hears the beanbag rustle as Sadie gets up, and sniffles as he inhales through his nose, forcing himself to breathe in deeply as he lifts his gaze back up to her.

The bed dips as she sits beside him and he notices her own tears, brewing in the corners of her eyes and a few having already fallen, slipping down her cheeks. She wipes at them uselessly for a moment, having no more success than Steven himself had, then suddenly reaches out to draw him into a hug. He accepts it silently, wrapping his arms around her and pressing his face into her shoulder as more tears rise, and feels her entire body shudder with a soft, silent sigh.

"Are you okay?" She asks him shakily as she pulls back again. "Are- d- do you…?"

Steven shakes his head and smiles, but like the laugh it's just empty, just sad, and he lets it be. "I'm trying," he tells her quietly, rubbing at his eyes again with a sigh. "It's hard, but I'm trying." He swallows, clears his throat again and sniffles to clear his nose, and leans back a little as he continues on wearily, "I made some friends in the facility, it… it was pretty good for me, I think. And I've been seeing a therapist and… talking things out with Dad when I need to and… you know, I've got Aster and Connie and… Jasper's okay." He giggles, and Sadie laughs a little, both their shoulders drooping with the release of tension. "And it's just… I'm working on it." He stays silent for a moment, thinks that over, and shakes his head slightly. " _We're_ working on it."

Sadie nods, wraps an arm around him again, and Steven lets himself sink sideways against her, curling his legs up onto the bed carefully. It still hurts, but it's mostly bearable now. He focuses on the pain in his chest instead, the pain that had loosened a little as he spoke, and turns to press his face into Sadie's shoulder again. "Shep and I are staying in the city for a little while," his old friend offers quietly, rubbing his shoulder, and he glances up at her. "So we'll be around." Sadie pauses, looking down at him, and smiles shakily. "You know, if you need anything… or if you just want to hang out and eat donuts… like old times." She chuckles. "We can do that."

"Yeah." Steven exhales and laughs, quiet and breathy, and he nods. "That sounds nice. But we can't invite Aster," he adds, lowering his voice to a whisper. "He's got a sugar problem."

Sadie giggles in response, raising an eyebrow. "Hey, I handled you on sugar. I can take him."

Steven laughs again, and this time it's genuine, this time it's a little sad but still a little happy. "We'll see about that." He stays where he is for a moment, content, then turns to wrap his arms around Sadie. As long as someone's offering free cuddles, he'll be nice to himself and accept. Recently, he feels, he can't get enough affection. "Thank you for… it's nice to have you here," he tells her quietly, and Sadie chuckles and sighs, soft and understanding.

She doesn't say anything, just holds him, and he falls silent.

Inside, though, something _sings_.

 _(I'm looking forward  
_ _I'm looking forward  
_ _I'm looking forward now…)_


End file.
